Being re-created, purified, renewed: a martyrdom of sorts

My retreat was awesome, as retreats tend to be; awesome in God’s gentle urging of me to look deeply into me and to allow God to gaze deeply as well.  It opened, as most retreats open for me, God suggesting that I look at Ps. 139 where I am reminded that I am wonderfully made.  The thought came that, even in God’s ongoing creation of me, I am wonderfully made: He uses the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, the patient and impatient parts of me, the selfish and the unselfish, the vitriolic and the serene. He shapes and reshapes, molds and remolds.  Where is all of this coming from,  you ask? Well, on July  2, three days before going on retreat, I returned from three weeks vocation work in Trinidad, but my suitcase with everything in it that I needed for retreat went to Canada. The ticket agent tagged it with the wrong tag, I discovered when nothing showed up in Newark. Nothing showed up on the 3^rd or 4^th of July either, as promised. So I purchased some items I could not go without and borrowed clothes from someone who wears an extra large (my size is medium).  I get a few miles from the retreat center, stop at an oasis service station and decide that I am not going to look like a ragamuffin. So I purchased a couple of medium-size tee shirts. I return to NJ on the 12^th of July. Still no suitcase. Toronto, Canada wants proof that I travelled on July 2^nd! Customs will not release the luggage!  So the worst of me surfaces—the vitriolic part of me, a raging anger, patience turned ugly.  Where were the graces of a six-day retreat. I felt anything but holy, believe me. But, yes, I am wonderfully made.  The Lord reminded me, when I complained of how sinful I was, that the instruments He uses always need purification. “I needed to purify Peter in his denials, Thomas in his doubting, James and John in their search for privilege, all of the apostles in their fear of persecution, opposition and martyrdom….I purified them with the fire of imperfection, sinful inclinations, selfishness, pride, insecurity, and false ambitions. That is the fuel for  the decomposition—the “burning bush” that never is really  burned."  The purifying fire of God's love and forgiveness does not destroy, God reminded me. And, yes, He uses my sinfulness to reshape me, remold me, recreate me into His image. Hope never fades.